If anyone's ever struggled with any kind of addiction, they understand what rock bottom is. I realize that food, and more specifically, weight may not seem like an addiction, but it is, and can be as harmful as any other. In fact, it's an addiction that's impossible to quit cold turkey because one must eat to survive. It takes the utmost willpower and control to kick a food addiction's ass, and like every other addiction, it's a battle every single day.
My mother has battled her addiction as long as she can remember. About 10 years ago, she lost a significant amount of weight, and has managed to keep it off -- she looks fantastic. When I was home this weekend, I realized that she still, even after a decade, beats herself up every single time she missteps. It's really unfair. It doesn't matter how good she looks, she still manages to make herself feel like shit.
Anyway, I hit my rock bottom with my own food addiction.
A combination of factors (a reunion, a realization that I'm limited in my mobility, and a will to live past the age of 35) prompted me to try a system that worked for me once before -- Simply for Life. It may not be a perfect system, but I truly need the discipline of it at this juncture. I met with the lady, Wendy, there this afternoon after work. We had a lovely conversation; she will send me my menu and grocery list tomorrow.
Before we were finished, I had to have the dreaded weigh in. After having lost some weight in the new year, I didn't think it would be higher than my starting weight before...I was wrong, oh so wrong.
The most mortifying and horrible moment in the world was when I realized that I weighed as much as a family. I wanted to die on the spot. I yelled, 'HOLY FUCK,' and then quickly apologized for swearing. I hardly listened to the last bit of what Wendy told me; I gave her my money and made it to my car parked outside. I started to cry, and then called my mom, who knows all too well how I felt/feel.
I realize that it's good that I found out in the place where I'm starting to do something about it. I never want to feel that feeling again. I HATED myself in that moment. It was a complete and utter lack of control, and I'm used to being IN control. Anyway, tomorrow's a new day, with a new lifestyle, with the same old me.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Katelin Dean's Love Blog
I feel privileged to muse about many things in my weekly column in the Bugle-Observer, which means that I don't update this blog as often as I probably should.
I have the opportunity to talk about politics, issues that are close to my heart like bullying and depression, and also to have my say on current events.
What I don't often write about is love; in fact, this blog's name could change to The Katelin Dean's Love Blog....
Since I haven't updated it since April 1, it seems that my love life is a little lackluster.
Though I'm a confident, single woman, there's a part of me that doesn't want to be single any longer; however, I'm really not willing to settle for just anyone. My goals are not to get married and have kids, though if those things happen, I'll welcome them with open arms. I'm focused on my career, and extra-curricular activities, but there's definitely room in my heart for more.
I have tried the world of internet dating, which is definitely great for accumulating stories about terrible dates. I think the worst part is that some guys come off so well in emails, but are absolutely insane in person.
There was the 24-year-old-biological-clock-is-ticking guy, and the did-you-know-aliens-walked-the-earth;-it-says-so-in-Genesis guy....both absolutely charming *insert eye roll here*.
I have had crushes on friends, which typically results in an awkward and/or upsetting conversation about how valuable our friendship is, which I'm always thankful for in retrospect, because the longer I live, the more importance I place on being open and honest with feelings, even though it's really, really hard.
And I've had crushes on co-workers through the years, which seems to work for many people, but has never panned out for me.
I'm not entirely sure where to go from here, and I'm not one of those girls with a list of qualities that I'm looking for...but I do know this:
I obviously want someone honest, hard-working, etc...but, the key for me is for him to be passionate, intelligent and funny.
He can be passionate about anything, whether it's sports, music, films, whatever, as long as he has something so I can pursue my passions without feeling guilty about dedicating time.
Intelligence does not necessarily equate to being educated, though it could.
And as for being funny, it's ok if he's not cracking one-liners all the time, but if you don't get my jokes, I'm exceptionally annoying, and that would never work.
I have the opportunity to talk about politics, issues that are close to my heart like bullying and depression, and also to have my say on current events.
What I don't often write about is love; in fact, this blog's name could change to The Katelin Dean's Love Blog....
Since I haven't updated it since April 1, it seems that my love life is a little lackluster.
Though I'm a confident, single woman, there's a part of me that doesn't want to be single any longer; however, I'm really not willing to settle for just anyone. My goals are not to get married and have kids, though if those things happen, I'll welcome them with open arms. I'm focused on my career, and extra-curricular activities, but there's definitely room in my heart for more.
I have tried the world of internet dating, which is definitely great for accumulating stories about terrible dates. I think the worst part is that some guys come off so well in emails, but are absolutely insane in person.
There was the 24-year-old-biological-clock-is-ticking guy, and the did-you-know-aliens-walked-the-earth;-it-says-so-in-Genesis guy....both absolutely charming *insert eye roll here*.
I have had crushes on friends, which typically results in an awkward and/or upsetting conversation about how valuable our friendship is, which I'm always thankful for in retrospect, because the longer I live, the more importance I place on being open and honest with feelings, even though it's really, really hard.
And I've had crushes on co-workers through the years, which seems to work for many people, but has never panned out for me.
I'm not entirely sure where to go from here, and I'm not one of those girls with a list of qualities that I'm looking for...but I do know this:
I obviously want someone honest, hard-working, etc...but, the key for me is for him to be passionate, intelligent and funny.
He can be passionate about anything, whether it's sports, music, films, whatever, as long as he has something so I can pursue my passions without feeling guilty about dedicating time.
Intelligence does not necessarily equate to being educated, though it could.
And as for being funny, it's ok if he's not cracking one-liners all the time, but if you don't get my jokes, I'm exceptionally annoying, and that would never work.
Friday, April 1, 2011
I believe in love...
...but I think I'll be single forever - and that's ok.
Life isn't really that complicated. We're born; we live for awhile; then we die. The first people we meet are our parents (after the doctor or birth coach or whatever) and that, for the most part, is a pretty uncomplicated relationship. They feed us, clothe us, bathe us and prepare us for the big scary world - kinda.
I'm a worrier. I don't often like to admit that, but I am. When I was a teenager, I used to worry that my parents were going to die in a car accident. Now I'm mostly worried about happiness of the people around me. I'm extremely impacted by the emotions of others. I don't even mean or want to be most of the time, but if someone's down - I not only want, but need to see them happy; when there's tension floating in the air, you can be rest assured that my stomach is in knots. Sleep is often an issue.
The obvious thing to do would just be to stop....if only it were that easy.
Having said all of that, when I'm so wrapped up in my worried head all the time, it makes it hard to let go and open myself up for love. Maybe I've watched too many romantic comedies, or have a bit of a Prince Charming complex, but I've always believed that someone would tear down the armour I shield myself with and force me to see the light. Reality tells me that's not going to happen. People always say love strikes them when they least expect it, but I don't know. I feel like I develop these feelings for men, and instead of following the normal path of flirting, or whatever, I over-think until I'm incapable of even formulating sentences... and when I do, they're the least flirtatious or romantic things I could possibly say, which is why I'm destined for a life of being single.
I still feel, and have crushes and I'm pretty sure I want to be in love, but sometimes I feel like a sad robot. That's really silly, I realize...but alas - so am I.
If by chance you read this, I like you. I look forward to walking by your office, and when your door is open, it makes my heart smile - and when you say hello, my heart nearly jumps out of my chest. How do I let you know?
Life isn't really that complicated. We're born; we live for awhile; then we die. The first people we meet are our parents (after the doctor or birth coach or whatever) and that, for the most part, is a pretty uncomplicated relationship. They feed us, clothe us, bathe us and prepare us for the big scary world - kinda.
I'm a worrier. I don't often like to admit that, but I am. When I was a teenager, I used to worry that my parents were going to die in a car accident. Now I'm mostly worried about happiness of the people around me. I'm extremely impacted by the emotions of others. I don't even mean or want to be most of the time, but if someone's down - I not only want, but need to see them happy; when there's tension floating in the air, you can be rest assured that my stomach is in knots. Sleep is often an issue.
The obvious thing to do would just be to stop....if only it were that easy.
Having said all of that, when I'm so wrapped up in my worried head all the time, it makes it hard to let go and open myself up for love. Maybe I've watched too many romantic comedies, or have a bit of a Prince Charming complex, but I've always believed that someone would tear down the armour I shield myself with and force me to see the light. Reality tells me that's not going to happen. People always say love strikes them when they least expect it, but I don't know. I feel like I develop these feelings for men, and instead of following the normal path of flirting, or whatever, I over-think until I'm incapable of even formulating sentences... and when I do, they're the least flirtatious or romantic things I could possibly say, which is why I'm destined for a life of being single.
I still feel, and have crushes and I'm pretty sure I want to be in love, but sometimes I feel like a sad robot. That's really silly, I realize...but alas - so am I.
If by chance you read this, I like you. I look forward to walking by your office, and when your door is open, it makes my heart smile - and when you say hello, my heart nearly jumps out of my chest. How do I let you know?
Friday, December 31, 2010
au'revoir 2010, bonjour 2011!!
You say goodbye, and I say hello, hello hello, I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello.
To my family: thank you for always being there and for making me who I am.
To my friends: I love you all dearly. Thank you for making my life great! Please do the right thing, and if you don't, do the wrong thing for the right reasons.
To my foe: thank you for keeping me on my toes.
To 2010: whoa! what a year.
To 2011: bring it on, whatever it may be.
To my past: may you continue to teach.
To my present: what a gift.
To my future: it's with an open heart and an open mind that I move forward.
To my family: thank you for always being there and for making me who I am.
To my friends: I love you all dearly. Thank you for making my life great! Please do the right thing, and if you don't, do the wrong thing for the right reasons.
To my foe: thank you for keeping me on my toes.
To 2010: whoa! what a year.
To 2011: bring it on, whatever it may be.
To my past: may you continue to teach.
To my present: what a gift.
To my future: it's with an open heart and an open mind that I move forward.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Dear Blog
It seems I have been neglecting you as of late. It's not that I don't have anything to say, trust me.
I am filled with opinions on love, politics, friendship, work and many things in between.
Though I got my start with you, it seems my opinion writing is printed weekly in the newspaper. You allowed me to rant when I needed it most, and I'm sorry for leaving you behind.
Here are 10 personal truths running through my brain currently:
1) A facebook friend request is not a marriage proposal. Don't worry about it.
2) Social networking is a two-way street. When you open up the flood-gates, you can't control what might spill out.
3) I want/need to write the novel in my head; however, I am afraid.
4) Seeing a happy couple get married inspires me, but doesn't make me jealous.
5) I miss being a journalist. I'm not sure it's possible to go back. In fact, I know it's impossible.
6) I need to travel. There's no good reason why I can't travel more often.
7) I love my family.
8) I love my friends.
9) It's tough learning who you can count on and who you can't.
10)It's also a tough lesson learning that it's as important to be a solid post for someone to lean on, as it is for them to be your post. Both increase strength.
11)I'm not ready to settle down.
12)I have no idea what's next!
13)I'm ok with that.
I am filled with opinions on love, politics, friendship, work and many things in between.
Though I got my start with you, it seems my opinion writing is printed weekly in the newspaper. You allowed me to rant when I needed it most, and I'm sorry for leaving you behind.
Here are 10 personal truths running through my brain currently:
1) A facebook friend request is not a marriage proposal. Don't worry about it.
2) Social networking is a two-way street. When you open up the flood-gates, you can't control what might spill out.
3) I want/need to write the novel in my head; however, I am afraid.
4) Seeing a happy couple get married inspires me, but doesn't make me jealous.
5) I miss being a journalist. I'm not sure it's possible to go back. In fact, I know it's impossible.
6) I need to travel. There's no good reason why I can't travel more often.
7) I love my family.
8) I love my friends.
9) It's tough learning who you can count on and who you can't.
10)It's also a tough lesson learning that it's as important to be a solid post for someone to lean on, as it is for them to be your post. Both increase strength.
11)I'm not ready to settle down.
12)I have no idea what's next!
13)I'm ok with that.
Monday, June 21, 2010
I'll give this a whirl: 99 things
Bolded are the things I've done. Try this. Thanks m.
1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band
4. visited hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more to charity than you could afford to
7. been to disney8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sung a solo
11. bungee jumped
12. visited Paris
13. watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. seen an amish community
36. taught yourself a new language
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the leaning tower of pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen Michelangelo’s David in person
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. visited africa
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. had your portrait painted - (drawn)
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the sistine chapel in person
50. been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theater
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies
62. gone whale watching
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. been sky diving
66. visited a concentration camp
67. bounced a check
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy
70. visited the lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in times square
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guard in London
77. broken a bone
78. been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person
80. published a book
81. visited the Vatican
82. bought a brand new car
83. walked in jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper -
85. kissed a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. saved someone’s life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club
93. gotten a tattoo
94. had a baby
95. seen the Alamo in person
96. swam in the great salt lake
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee
1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band
4. visited hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more to charity than you could afford to
7. been to disney8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sung a solo
11. bungee jumped
12. visited Paris
13. watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. seen an amish community
36. taught yourself a new language
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the leaning tower of pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen Michelangelo’s David in person
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. visited africa
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. had your portrait painted - (drawn)
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the sistine chapel in person
50. been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theater
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies
62. gone whale watching
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. been sky diving
66. visited a concentration camp
67. bounced a check
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy
70. visited the lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in times square
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guard in London
77. broken a bone
78. been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person
80. published a book
81. visited the Vatican
82. bought a brand new car
83. walked in jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper -
85. kissed a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. saved someone’s life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club
93. gotten a tattoo
94. had a baby
95. seen the Alamo in person
96. swam in the great salt lake
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee
Saturday, March 27, 2010
dear sister
It seems as though I left you off of my birthday thank you list.
I'm thankful for you every day. The things I learned because of your sheer existence astounds me on a regular basis. You taught me how to share and that I wasn't the centre of the universe and that was without even trying.
Now, as adults, you level out my drama and sometimes even cook me supper. I feel so blessed to have a sister who is, not only super smart and kind, but also honest. I value your opinions greatly and I couldn't think of a better person to call one of my best friends.
Mom used to say, "well, i love you, but i don't have to like you all thetime" well sister, I do love you and I like you too! i'm glad we live in the same town.
moo sistah forever!
I'm thankful for you every day. The things I learned because of your sheer existence astounds me on a regular basis. You taught me how to share and that I wasn't the centre of the universe and that was without even trying.
Now, as adults, you level out my drama and sometimes even cook me supper. I feel so blessed to have a sister who is, not only super smart and kind, but also honest. I value your opinions greatly and I couldn't think of a better person to call one of my best friends.
Mom used to say, "well, i love you, but i don't have to like you all thetime" well sister, I do love you and I like you too! i'm glad we live in the same town.
moo sistah forever!
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