If anyone's ever struggled with any kind of addiction, they understand what rock bottom is. I realize that food, and more specifically, weight may not seem like an addiction, but it is, and can be as harmful as any other. In fact, it's an addiction that's impossible to quit cold turkey because one must eat to survive. It takes the utmost willpower and control to kick a food addiction's ass, and like every other addiction, it's a battle every single day.
My mother has battled her addiction as long as she can remember. About 10 years ago, she lost a significant amount of weight, and has managed to keep it off -- she looks fantastic. When I was home this weekend, I realized that she still, even after a decade, beats herself up every single time she missteps. It's really unfair. It doesn't matter how good she looks, she still manages to make herself feel like shit.
Anyway, I hit my rock bottom with my own food addiction.
A combination of factors (a reunion, a realization that I'm limited in my mobility, and a will to live past the age of 35) prompted me to try a system that worked for me once before -- Simply for Life. It may not be a perfect system, but I truly need the discipline of it at this juncture. I met with the lady, Wendy, there this afternoon after work. We had a lovely conversation; she will send me my menu and grocery list tomorrow.
Before we were finished, I had to have the dreaded weigh in. After having lost some weight in the new year, I didn't think it would be higher than my starting weight before...I was wrong, oh so wrong.
The most mortifying and horrible moment in the world was when I realized that I weighed as much as a family. I wanted to die on the spot. I yelled, 'HOLY FUCK,' and then quickly apologized for swearing. I hardly listened to the last bit of what Wendy told me; I gave her my money and made it to my car parked outside. I started to cry, and then called my mom, who knows all too well how I felt/feel.
I realize that it's good that I found out in the place where I'm starting to do something about it. I never want to feel that feeling again. I HATED myself in that moment. It was a complete and utter lack of control, and I'm used to being IN control. Anyway, tomorrow's a new day, with a new lifestyle, with the same old me.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Katelin Dean's Love Blog
I feel privileged to muse about many things in my weekly column in the Bugle-Observer, which means that I don't update this blog as often as I probably should.
I have the opportunity to talk about politics, issues that are close to my heart like bullying and depression, and also to have my say on current events.
What I don't often write about is love; in fact, this blog's name could change to The Katelin Dean's Love Blog....
Since I haven't updated it since April 1, it seems that my love life is a little lackluster.
Though I'm a confident, single woman, there's a part of me that doesn't want to be single any longer; however, I'm really not willing to settle for just anyone. My goals are not to get married and have kids, though if those things happen, I'll welcome them with open arms. I'm focused on my career, and extra-curricular activities, but there's definitely room in my heart for more.
I have tried the world of internet dating, which is definitely great for accumulating stories about terrible dates. I think the worst part is that some guys come off so well in emails, but are absolutely insane in person.
There was the 24-year-old-biological-clock-is-ticking guy, and the did-you-know-aliens-walked-the-earth;-it-says-so-in-Genesis guy....both absolutely charming *insert eye roll here*.
I have had crushes on friends, which typically results in an awkward and/or upsetting conversation about how valuable our friendship is, which I'm always thankful for in retrospect, because the longer I live, the more importance I place on being open and honest with feelings, even though it's really, really hard.
And I've had crushes on co-workers through the years, which seems to work for many people, but has never panned out for me.
I'm not entirely sure where to go from here, and I'm not one of those girls with a list of qualities that I'm looking for...but I do know this:
I obviously want someone honest, hard-working, etc...but, the key for me is for him to be passionate, intelligent and funny.
He can be passionate about anything, whether it's sports, music, films, whatever, as long as he has something so I can pursue my passions without feeling guilty about dedicating time.
Intelligence does not necessarily equate to being educated, though it could.
And as for being funny, it's ok if he's not cracking one-liners all the time, but if you don't get my jokes, I'm exceptionally annoying, and that would never work.
I have the opportunity to talk about politics, issues that are close to my heart like bullying and depression, and also to have my say on current events.
What I don't often write about is love; in fact, this blog's name could change to The Katelin Dean's Love Blog....
Since I haven't updated it since April 1, it seems that my love life is a little lackluster.
Though I'm a confident, single woman, there's a part of me that doesn't want to be single any longer; however, I'm really not willing to settle for just anyone. My goals are not to get married and have kids, though if those things happen, I'll welcome them with open arms. I'm focused on my career, and extra-curricular activities, but there's definitely room in my heart for more.
I have tried the world of internet dating, which is definitely great for accumulating stories about terrible dates. I think the worst part is that some guys come off so well in emails, but are absolutely insane in person.
There was the 24-year-old-biological-clock-is-ticking guy, and the did-you-know-aliens-walked-the-earth;-it-says-so-in-Genesis guy....both absolutely charming *insert eye roll here*.
I have had crushes on friends, which typically results in an awkward and/or upsetting conversation about how valuable our friendship is, which I'm always thankful for in retrospect, because the longer I live, the more importance I place on being open and honest with feelings, even though it's really, really hard.
And I've had crushes on co-workers through the years, which seems to work for many people, but has never panned out for me.
I'm not entirely sure where to go from here, and I'm not one of those girls with a list of qualities that I'm looking for...but I do know this:
I obviously want someone honest, hard-working, etc...but, the key for me is for him to be passionate, intelligent and funny.
He can be passionate about anything, whether it's sports, music, films, whatever, as long as he has something so I can pursue my passions without feeling guilty about dedicating time.
Intelligence does not necessarily equate to being educated, though it could.
And as for being funny, it's ok if he's not cracking one-liners all the time, but if you don't get my jokes, I'm exceptionally annoying, and that would never work.
Friday, April 1, 2011
I believe in love...
...but I think I'll be single forever - and that's ok.
Life isn't really that complicated. We're born; we live for awhile; then we die. The first people we meet are our parents (after the doctor or birth coach or whatever) and that, for the most part, is a pretty uncomplicated relationship. They feed us, clothe us, bathe us and prepare us for the big scary world - kinda.
I'm a worrier. I don't often like to admit that, but I am. When I was a teenager, I used to worry that my parents were going to die in a car accident. Now I'm mostly worried about happiness of the people around me. I'm extremely impacted by the emotions of others. I don't even mean or want to be most of the time, but if someone's down - I not only want, but need to see them happy; when there's tension floating in the air, you can be rest assured that my stomach is in knots. Sleep is often an issue.
The obvious thing to do would just be to stop....if only it were that easy.
Having said all of that, when I'm so wrapped up in my worried head all the time, it makes it hard to let go and open myself up for love. Maybe I've watched too many romantic comedies, or have a bit of a Prince Charming complex, but I've always believed that someone would tear down the armour I shield myself with and force me to see the light. Reality tells me that's not going to happen. People always say love strikes them when they least expect it, but I don't know. I feel like I develop these feelings for men, and instead of following the normal path of flirting, or whatever, I over-think until I'm incapable of even formulating sentences... and when I do, they're the least flirtatious or romantic things I could possibly say, which is why I'm destined for a life of being single.
I still feel, and have crushes and I'm pretty sure I want to be in love, but sometimes I feel like a sad robot. That's really silly, I realize...but alas - so am I.
If by chance you read this, I like you. I look forward to walking by your office, and when your door is open, it makes my heart smile - and when you say hello, my heart nearly jumps out of my chest. How do I let you know?
Life isn't really that complicated. We're born; we live for awhile; then we die. The first people we meet are our parents (after the doctor or birth coach or whatever) and that, for the most part, is a pretty uncomplicated relationship. They feed us, clothe us, bathe us and prepare us for the big scary world - kinda.
I'm a worrier. I don't often like to admit that, but I am. When I was a teenager, I used to worry that my parents were going to die in a car accident. Now I'm mostly worried about happiness of the people around me. I'm extremely impacted by the emotions of others. I don't even mean or want to be most of the time, but if someone's down - I not only want, but need to see them happy; when there's tension floating in the air, you can be rest assured that my stomach is in knots. Sleep is often an issue.
The obvious thing to do would just be to stop....if only it were that easy.
Having said all of that, when I'm so wrapped up in my worried head all the time, it makes it hard to let go and open myself up for love. Maybe I've watched too many romantic comedies, or have a bit of a Prince Charming complex, but I've always believed that someone would tear down the armour I shield myself with and force me to see the light. Reality tells me that's not going to happen. People always say love strikes them when they least expect it, but I don't know. I feel like I develop these feelings for men, and instead of following the normal path of flirting, or whatever, I over-think until I'm incapable of even formulating sentences... and when I do, they're the least flirtatious or romantic things I could possibly say, which is why I'm destined for a life of being single.
I still feel, and have crushes and I'm pretty sure I want to be in love, but sometimes I feel like a sad robot. That's really silly, I realize...but alas - so am I.
If by chance you read this, I like you. I look forward to walking by your office, and when your door is open, it makes my heart smile - and when you say hello, my heart nearly jumps out of my chest. How do I let you know?
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